Why don't you love Sir? It seems like you two were never really together.
We were definitely together. I’m not comfortable with the word ‘polyamorous’ to describe myself, because I’ve only ever felt really intense romantic love for one person at a time. But I did/do have a very strong romantic and sexual attraction to him.
I’ve been putting off writing about this for the past couple of days, but I feel like I have to verbalize my feelings somehow and this seems like the best way to do it. If you have any questions about what’s going on with my relationship with Pet and Sir, this may give you some answers as well.
Essentially, I don’t feel I’m emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship that pushes my boundaries the way this one has. I’ve been struggling with generalized anxiety and major depression since I was fifteen, and two years ago I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder to top it off. Even though I’ve been trying to work past these things, they still affect my life - I find myself feeling worthless and irrationally jealous, and although I can tell myself it’s all in my head, it doesn’t make the feelings go away. My worst fear, the mantra that my mind repeats when I’m in a dark place, is that I’ll never be ‘enough.’
My relationship with Sir didn’t have the most ideal beginning; when I talked to him I liked him right away, but the fact that Pet wanted to be with him made me feel like I was somehow lacking. Like I couldn’t be enough. We made our relationship poly because it fit all of our desires, but - like Sir has said in the past - I was primarily devoted to Pet. I’ve never identified as polyamorous before - a poly relationship was always in my mind as something I’d try for someone I loved. And because I had growing feelings for Sir, I thought it was something that we could work out without my becoming too jealous.
And I really, really wanted it to be able to work out. I still do. I still want to be with them, but I know the same doubts and fears will still be hounding me. Whenever I feel like I’m over the way our relationship started, it rears its head again and I can’t shake the feeling that on my own I’ll never be enough. And it feels terrible beyond description, because I still love Pet and I want to make her happy more than anything in the world, but I feel like I can’t without putting myself through emotional pain.
I still don’t know if I’m making the right decision by separating myself from them. If I had the chance to be with them without any of my emotional baggage, I would take it in a heartbeat. But that’s not possible, and it’s becoming harder and harder for me to ignore the feelings of inadequacy in the back of my mind.
I can actually remember every time a person at a convention or trade show has touched me inappropriately. My first year at the Venus Fair in Berlin there was a man who shoved two of his fingers into my panty-covered vagina. It was really fast, like he was standing there one second and the next I…
I got back from visiting Pet and Sir in Maryland almost a week ago. Part of the reason I’ve put off writing about it (aside from being ridiculously busy with classes) is because I don’t want to think about the fact that I probably won’t be able to see them again for at least 2 months. Being with them was blissful. When I got off the plane and saw Sir, it didn’t feel like we were just meeting in person for the first time. Not long after we got home we inevitably all found ourselves curled up in bed together, skin against bare skin, like we had always been this physically close. Pet climbed on top of Sir and started to stroke him, and he slid into her, not taking his eyes off her face. My hand had trailed down to my clit - I kind of surprised myself by feeling so unembarrassed of how turned on I was. As he fucked her, he showed me what she liked, how to push her to the edge without making her cum too soon. After Pet had been allowed to cum around three times, Sir pulled me on top of him. I’ve always been shy about taking any kind of power sexually, including being on top and having to control speed and intensity, but after I slid him inside of me, he grabbed my hips and started thrusting. I honestly never realized sex could be so amazing. In the past I always enjoyed it, but it wasn’t something that could make me lose control and get so close to the point of breaking. I wasn’t aware of it, but my nails were digging hard into Sir’s shoulders and collarbones as I came closer and closer to the edge. When I scratched too deep, he took hold of both of my hands and held them behind my back, leaving me to writhe as he thrust harder and deeper into me until it felt like I couldn’t hold on any longer. As I squirmed on top of him, Pet came up behind me with the collar Sir had bought for me and fastened it around my neck. The weight of it and the gentle pressure around my throat was perfect. We switched positions, with me on my back with my knees almost touching my shoulders, and him between my legs. Pet was lying beside me, watching, and as I continued to get closer I dug my nails into her side hard enough to leave raised welts for the rest of the day. I always privately thought that sex with an odd number of people would be awkward or unfulfilling. I honestly couldn’t have been more wrong. Seeing Pet when she’s so lost to pleasure she can hardly speak, being able to hold on to her when I’m close to the same point, feeling our Master’s protective embrace around us both. It’s wonderful. And that was just the first time we had sex. Of course I did get punished (belts…-shudder-) a few times while I was there for being bratty, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t also enjoy that. Not to mention the lovely bruises left on my bum and my back for the next few days. Every time I saw one in the mirror it reminded me of exactly how I got it. Having been there and seen what’s waiting for me only makes having to stay away more intolerable.
I had a mini meltdown today. I’ve been texting Sir all day and we’ve been examining what exactly we both want out of our relationship…Mostly I’ve been trying to figure out whether I’m ready for a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship.
I love being dominated sexually. The vanilla sex I’ve had doesn’t begin to compare to even the first few times Sir dominated me over the phone. I get such complete fulfillment from it. But in other aspects of my life, being told what to do doesn’t really make me feel happy or fulfilled. I guess part of what I need to come to terms with is that it’s not about my happiness all the time. I’ve been single basically my entire life, so I’m not used to compromising what I want to do with what others want from me. I don’t typically let people get close enough for it to matter.
Part of me is still panicking about being in a romantic relationship. My first instinct when I get emotionally close to people is to run away before they can hurt me. So I find myself subconsciously rebelling in little ways, and occasionally in big, selfish ways. And obviously I feel really crappy afterwards, because I don’t really want Sir (or Pet for that matter) to be upset with me, but at the same time I seem intent on sabotaging my relationship. :/
…I’m rambling. A lot.
Basically: I am submissive, so I enjoy submitting to my Master. But it’s hard for me to see myself as someone who will submit in all things, in day to day life…I guess I must still have trust issues going on. I should trust him to make decisions that will make all of us happy.
This has been the tired & emotional talk hour with Fawn.
So due to my being bad at directions and my cell phone service deciding to not let me send or receive texts or calls for about 30 minutes, I didn’t get to see Pet & Sir today…I guess I have to wait until August 24. :/ They were less than five minutes away from where I was and I didn’t find out until they had already left.
Excuse me while I curl up in a dark corner and die.
I’ve basically been miserable for the past two days. Finally went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have strep throat. (Surprise, surprise. Pretty sure I get it at least once every other month or so.) I’m on antibiotics now, so hopefully I’ll be better soon, but last night and today I’ve been just. terrible. I’ve pretty much been living on warm milk and popsicles and lucky charms. And sleeping about 12 hours a day.
So basically what I’m trying to say is: that’s why I haven’t been posting. I texted Sir last night and asked if it was okay, and he gave me permission not to post. If I had written anything, it would probably have been me fantasizing about throat lozenges and a hot cup of honeybush vanilla tea. With cream. And white gold honey.
Also, the ben wa balls remain in while I’m awake. In combination with chats with Sir, all of the teasing has been making my dreams very…interesting.
Work is unbearable. At Master’s command, she’s spent the last couple hours with her Ben-wa Balls inside of her. They feel so good moving around as she walks. She’s so turned on that she doesn’t trust herself to take them out. Sometimes, she clenches on instinct, trying to prevent them for slipping out. It’s dangerous to do that though. That creates waves of pleasure that force her to grab at her desk, trying to stay upright. As she perches on the edge of her desk chair, the pressure continues to build up. Her pussy won’t stop throbbing in anticipation, but that can’t satisfy her .
As the hours pass, her will weakens. The need for an orgasm is unbearable now. It’s tearing her apart. She’s so hot and wet it feels like she’s losing her mind in slow motion. In a haze, she drifts from fantasy to fantasy. She wonders which surfaces would satisfy her if she rutted against them. She can’t believe that she’s sunk to such things. Or that it feels this good to lose control. To be Master’s slut.
Her thighs tremble as she imagines having Master’s cock close to her pussy, teasing her, pressing against her clit. He’d move the head of it up and down her slit, rubbing her wetness all over. She bites her lip and imagines him slowly pushing the head of his cock inside her tight little pussy. If he was here, she’d slide to the floor and spread her legs to invite Master’s cock deep inside her pussy. It doesn’t matter where they were. All she cares about is feeling his thick cock stretches her pussy and fill her up. She NEEDS to be taken by Master. It feels like forever since the last time he fucked her.
My mind is on my lovers all day while I’m at work. When I bend over to grab something for a customer I become acutely aware of the ben wa balls, and when I straighten back up I can feel a blush creeping into my cheeks, which I hope they don’t notice.
Three times I have the chance to slip off to the restroom, where I lock myself into a stall and tease myself, like Sir has instructed. While I touch myself, I imagine it’s his hand stroking my clit. It’s maddeningly slow, but I’m still sore from the call last night. My other hand brushes over my neck, my breasts, and then down to my clit as well - all the places I want to feel Pet’s mouth. My body is aching with lust for them.
It seems unbearable that I have to wait another month to see them in person.
Had a call from Sir and Pet earlier. I got to hear what Pet sounded like utterly broken, when it was nearly impossible for her to be coherent enough to even say “Yes, Master.” She sounded so lost in the ecstasy, like she was pure primal lust. I touched myself with both hands listening to her moans and gasps, the balls still inside me, and Sir took me closer to the edge of orgasm than I’ve ever been before without turning back. I wanted to cum so badly. I needed it. But even more, I needed to prove myself to them. I needed to show that I understand and accept my punishment, and that I really am ready to obey.
Submissive head-space is something I don’t believe anyone who’s not involved in D/s can really understand. It’s an entire world in the space of a few hours. The laws of it are paradoxes - servitude is love, debasement is adoration. Whenever I leave a call with Pet and Sir I feel cherished. There’s a warmth inside me. All I want to do is curl up with them and be reassured that I’m theirs.
I’m not even always consciously aware of the balls inside me. When I’ve just put them in and there’s this heaviness between my legs like they’re going to slip out, then I obviously can’t ignore them; but when I’ve been sitting or lying down for a while and they’ve settled into a more comfortable position it’s easy to forget they’re there. Until I shift and there’s this little spasm of pleasure. And I feel like my energy is entirely focused between my legs. My mind starts to wander and soon all I can think about is being stroked and teased, purring. Today I crave gentleness.
Using my Nook to post atm because my computer isn’t cooperating. This thing is terrible for typing, so I’m going to keep today’s update brief.
I’m being punished by Sir for being a horrible procrastinator. The length of the punishment matches the number of days I kept him waiting.
So it’s nine days of:
- Keeping ben wa balls in every waking moment
- Teasing myself every two to three hours
- And updating my blog about it whenever possible.
Day one was already. . .interesting. I just got out of the shower, and the water running over my body was enough to drive me crazy.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m going out of town with a friend, so it’s unlikely I’ll post again til Saturday.