Anonymous asked: Im sure your (ex) gf knows how much you still love her. That read more was beautiful.
Thank you, grey head. It definitely helps me to verbalize things.
Anonymous asked: Why don't you love Sir? It seems like you two were never really together.
We were definitely together. I’m not comfortable with the word ‘polyamorous’ to describe myself, because I’ve only ever felt really intense romantic love for one person at a time. But I did/do have a very strong romantic and sexual attraction to him.
Anonymous asked: Why did you modify your description? What about your relationship?
I felt like I needed to take a break from it to sort out my feelings.
The past few days have been really difficult for me, because I still love Pet and adore Sir. But I don’t know what to do for my own emotional well-being.
I’ve been putting off writing about this for the past couple of days, but I feel like I have to verbalize my feelings somehow and this seems like the best way to do it. If you have any questions about what’s going on with my relationship with Pet and Sir, this may give you some answers as well.
Essentially, I don’t feel I’m emotionally stable enough to handle a relationship that pushes my boundaries the way this one has. I’ve been struggling with generalized anxiety and major depression since I was fifteen, and two years ago I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder to top it off. Even though I’ve been trying to work past these things, they still affect my life - I find myself feeling worthless and irrationally jealous, and although I can tell myself it’s all in my head, it doesn’t make the feelings go away. My worst fear, the mantra that my mind repeats when I’m in a dark place, is that I’ll never be ‘enough.’
My relationship with Sir didn’t have the most ideal beginning; when I talked to him I liked him right away, but the fact that Pet wanted to be with him made me feel like I was somehow lacking. Like I couldn’t be enough. We made our relationship poly because it fit all of our desires, but - like Sir has said in the past - I was primarily devoted to Pet. I’ve never identified as polyamorous before - a poly relationship was always in my mind as something I’d try for someone I loved. And because I had growing feelings for Sir, I thought it was something that we could work out without my becoming too jealous.
And I really, really wanted it to be able to work out. I still do. I still want to be with them, but I know the same doubts and fears will still be hounding me. Whenever I feel like I’m over the way our relationship started, it rears its head again and I can’t shake the feeling that on my own I’ll never be enough. And it feels terrible beyond description, because I still love Pet and I want to make her happy more than anything in the world, but I feel like I can’t without putting myself through emotional pain.
I still don’t know if I’m making the right decision by separating myself from them. If I had the chance to be with them without any of my emotional baggage, I would take it in a heartbeat. But that’s not possible, and it’s becoming harder and harder for me to ignore the feelings of inadequacy in the back of my mind.
Pet in her own collar. She does so love to be shown off.
Fawn modeling her new collar. You are forgiven if that’s not the first place your eyes went.
I can actually remember every time a person at a convention or trade show has touched me inappropriately. My first year at the Venus Fair in Berlin there was a man who shoved two of his fingers into my panty-covered vagina. It was really fast, like he was standing there one second and the next I…
In case you needed more reasons to love Stoya…